I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
