Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
