Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
