I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
