happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
