I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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