I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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