sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
this is an emotional support booty call
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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