when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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