the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
