I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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