U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
