the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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