Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
