I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We need to rekindle our bromance
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
