pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
