After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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