Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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