dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
