how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
