Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize