whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
