if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Randomize
