I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
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