dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
