So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
