mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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