Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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