All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
