$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
