I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
