So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
