I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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