STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You took a bar mat shot.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
