Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
