If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize