I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
