if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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