my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
