I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sorry about my life...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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