I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
