You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
