My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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