Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
