my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
