i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
