Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
