the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
