we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
