She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The power of my boobs compel you
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
