this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
