Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
