Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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