Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
