no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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